Where have I been? No, Seriously... I'm asking!

The last several months I've gone into this shell. I'm not very social, I enjoy solitude and I'm easily overwhelmed by noise and outside distractions. Some, would say, I'm in a funk.

Everyday I open my eyes and say, I'm going to do something today. Anything. And everyday I barely function. I'm in pain, my eyes can't deal with light, sound is unbelievable and I can't be around people. I feel too much. I can't explain it, Something is happening to me, but its a good thing.

I'm healing. I'm becoming whole.

I know who I am. I know why I've been through so much. I forgave all transgressions, mine, others, all. I have no hate in my heart, I'm happy to be given this life to live. I'm thankful for the beautiful lessons I'm learning during my time on this earth and most importantly I'm seeing all the gifts I was given to repair my grief.

How beautiful it is to see how blessed it is to go through some tough times. How beautiful it is to observe some of the more painful and soul changing lessons there are, and to finally be able to observe it and not feel it anymore. I not only see my journey I see everyone's around me, and it humbles me to see these beautiful souls working hard and succeeding in learning the tough lessons of life. The work is hard and exhausting and changes your soul forever. The lessons you are learning are so magnificent, you may feel that they are breaking you. And they are. They are expanding you as a soul, as an essence, as a human being. After going through even the small lessons, you never emerge the same.

Facing the lessons, looking at them and tearing them apart is gut wrenching. Seeing the" mistakes" is the easy part, thanks to the inner voice that seems to dislike us for some reason, (its called ego) We play the mistakes over and over and over again in our minds and it poisons our body, mind and soul. That needs to stop first.

How?

See Ego for what it is. Its your fearful self, the self that is afraid of losing love or losing respect or losing safety. It's your memories or past keeping you from true growth. It says you can't and gives valid reasons to stop you. Its old voices of people who said you couldn't, speaking to you as parents, as "friends" as people you love and cared about, who said you couldn't and you believed them because they loved you.

 Love doesn't work like that. Love doesn't want anything from you but your happiness. Happiness comes from doing exactly what you were meant to do; to trudge ahead and make beautiful mistakes and be accepted BECAUSE of them. We can warn each other, and say "I see your path Sister, Brother and I've made that same mistake" and try to lighten the burden by giving advice. They may take it or leave it, either way is fine. Some like to figure it out the easy way and take all your advice, and some take it the hard nasty, gut wrenching way (me) and want to experience the whole spectrum of the lesson in full, to reach a higher understanding. Let them. Get out of it and admire the beauty of it.

Once you take a look at each others journeys and see them for who they are, witness the work being done, you will find it harder and harder to hold any anger, resentment, or pain, and instead feel happy, and excited and filled with great satisfaction that we as a whole are getting some greats lessons learned and we all need to allow it to happen naturally, with full support from all the people destined to be in your life. Its not an accident we have the people in our lives that we do, each of them play a role as a helper, a healer, a lesson. Even the most difficult person was necessary to teach you. It was a brave task for a soul to step in to hurt you, to bring a difficult situation to you to learn from, and the hardest thing to realize is that your own soul brought these lessons to you. Each choice lead you towards more lessons or to the solution. If you don't figure it out, you'll get another lesson, you figure it out...it magically stops.

That's where I am. I found the stop button. I learned the lessons finally. Man, was it harsh. Letting go of it was even harder. I couldn't deal with the outside world because what was inside me was raw and sensitive and painful. It was also beautiful and humbling and brilliant. I needed time to heal them. I still need some time because there are some more lessons I have to get through. I had all the experiences and never stopped to analyze the data, that is what this last 2 years has been. I pressed the stop button and decided to analyze, learn and add all those lessons into my soul.

 BEAUTIFUL GUT WRENCHING WORK.

Now where the heck am I ?

And where is the Go button? I'm ready for the fun lessons.

Wait.

I still have this fluffy suit. Okay. One more quick lesson to understand. THEN...

Then.

 Let the good times begin!

 

Time to say Goodbye

I'm listening to this song right now. first of all I want to say what absolutely beautiful voices the both have. If you don't know what I am talking about look up Time to say Goodbye. Its lovely....anyways...um I'm taking this as a sign that I am to talk about saying goodbye.

The only thing in my life I ever want to say Goodbye to is fear. Fear has kept me from achieving my potential. I was born with God given gifts that were not an accident.

Our gifts are not accidents!!! Our learning, the reason we are on this planet, our lessons, all NEED our talents and gifts to manage them.

Lets take a couple of my gifts for instance...I can sing. Pretty damn good too by the way... and I need that to keep me in a state of peace. Music and singing bring me a joy and peace that I have craved my whole lifetime. WHY am I craving it, because it seems silly to sing out loud? Because life got too busy and I thought it was a waste of time? Because I didn't think I was good enough for people to listen to? WRONG.

When God and I wrote this life, we decided that I should give myself some beauty to deal with this hard stuff. I was suppose to use my voice to rest from the hard work. To listen to music and hear the messages being sent of hope, love and encouragement and sing it to myself and others so they can hear the message and apply it. Messages from the Universe...Messages from God.

Beautiful.

It only gets better.

 I was also given the gift of story telling, and public speaking. Again FEAR took that from me. Why the gift of story telling and speaking to public? Again it's about me sending out a message. To aid others and myself in this trial and journey. When I stunted that, I stunted myself and others. NO MORE.

We all have some talents or gifts that we take for granted. We should take them and use them to get our work done. If you can't think of any call me. I have a gift called speech. I'm not AFRAID to use it anymore.

So FEAR has got to say GOODBYE.

SO.

Goodbye.

Huh.
Are we still afraid?

 Yup.

 I Better start singing.




 

I found it

We were born with an amazing mission. We are here to impact lives. Everyone that meets us has a reason for being there and needs us for something.

Every time you hold back what you want to tell someone, you are slowing down progress, either for you or for the other person. There are lessons to be learned, on this time we are here.We have work to do. We have to save each other with love and kindness and pure strength.

 Everyone reading this is struggling with something, a break in the soul. We are born with a pure soul, innocent and new, with expectations and lessons for us to learn. Those lessons came from a series of events you have planned for and everything...I mean everything happens for a reason. Something happens and you have to stop and see why did this happen, what is the lesson? Then have a look around, see the lesson and LEARN FROM IT!!! If you don't learn, it will happen again and again and again until you snap out of your haze and decide to grow.

Growing is difficult. It's something you don't want to do because you have to face fear, you have to challenge yourself like you can't even imagine and you actually feel physical pain from the ripping of your soul with new growth. These lessons are the plan, you need to get it done, so get it over with. Do the work, get this hard job done and move onto the next lessons.

Look at your own impact points. Memories you have that are crystal clear, that you can remember the expressions of people and the feeling of the moment. Now ask yourself why is that an impact point? Then open it up and ask yourself why do I need to remember this?

Now while you are doing all this amazing work you come upon another person that needs you to impact them. Do it and don't hesitate. Just remember. DO NO HARM. EVER. Words are alive. They can fester and maul a beautiful soul. That isn't a productive thing to do, as well as it doesn't do nice things to your own soul. Be very wise with your soul, it is tender and perfect and beautiful and all yours to build and create with.

Do not be afraid to face those fears and mistakes you feel you have made.( I struggled with this one all my life) Guess what? You didn't make ANY mistakes. You trudged along, following the plan and you made decisions that had to either impact you or someone in your life. They needed it and so did you. Was it sometimes imperfect and wrong and messy? YES. Can you fix it? YES. Should you? YES. At least inquire.

It's never to late to listen with a loving heart. If someone around you is struggling or need you to stop and hear them. STOP. You are being tested. Give love. Give them a lift. Give the best you there is.

Hey where did this all come from?

I saw the light. I went to the mountains and I begged for my life back. I begged for understanding and peace of soul.

I found it.
 

No regrets

I'm Back.

This blog is going on a new adventure. After reflecting on the reason I am fluffy, I needed time to absorb it, understand it and love myself in spite of it.

I quick update, I have finally decided to give myself a break. I quite my job, I have layed off of many of my responsibilities, I have relinquished control so that I can focus on rebuilding my mind,body and soul. In all of this I needed to learn how to say mercy, and STOP. Everyone needs a time out, I needed mine long ago, but was constantly chasing acceptance from everyone in my life. I am done with that now. I accept me, that is all I need to sustain me. I love having people in my life that love me, and help me and believe in me, but even they can't fulfill me. That is all mine.

So what have I been doing since leaving my job, my life and all my responsibilities? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I read, I look up stuff on YouTube. I rest alot, I reflect on everything and I hide.

I HIDE. What am I hiding from?

Right now I need to be in an environment that is fully safe, no judgement, no harsh words, no pressure, no responsibility.  I need to adjust to myself, with myself. I know I have children and a life to take care of and I do the usual Mother duties, but when everyone is at school and work, I work on the really hard stuff, I work on being alone with myself, not avoiding my thoughts, not avoiding my feelings or my sickness. I am owning the neglect I have given myself, I am resting my over worked and over saddened body and letting it live without demands and pressure, I take all meds like a good girl. I drink water and eat a new healthy thing every day.

This is an absolute sacrifice, our finances are tight, we aren't saving for retirement or the future. Extras aren't possible, but you know what? These things won't be possible if I don't survive either. Taking a time out is a right we should all have. I know we all think that we couldn't survive if we stopped. WE can't survive if we don't.

Here is a quote that nails it.

Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you. ~John De Paola

What are we working so hard for? A better life? More stuff? MORE MORE MORE.

STOP!!! Just stop it.

Will our kids survive if they don't have all this crap. YES. Will we survive if we don't have the nicest car, home, couch, clothes, purse, wallet, shoes, CRAP.

YES WE WILL!!! I'm not chasing that perfection anymore. Perfection?!? When we dream of perfection or heaven or all the beautiful peaceful places on earth does it ever involve a hot car, a big house filled with  electronics, Prada bags  and crap like that? No. Its a river that flows, mountains that shine, rainfalls in forests, peace, surrounded by friends and family and LOVE.

That is what I have right  now. I'm surrounded with it here, at home, I'm done the chase. Exhausting myself to make the judgemental world happy is over. I'm going to live, make more mistakes, dive into something head on and listen to only my OWN conscience. If I regret it, huh, well I won't do that again, if I loved it...bring it on. What makes me happy, is no ones business but mine. They can laugh at the antics and shake their head all they want but I AM LIVING fully, not on their agenda, but mine.

When I have rested, cherished and healed myself I will get back into it all. Not the false crap, but I will dive back into life.

No regrets.

Quick Blog

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make your vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.


People favour underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

Forever Fluffy.

I will be forever Fluffy.

No, I haven't quit my weight-loss journey. I just came to realize that although I am heading towards a happier healthier me, I will always be forever Fluffy.

Being Fluffy has changed me for life. This fluffy suit is the sole reason I am still on this planet. Fluffy came to me at a time that I couldn't feel anymore. I was numb with loss and shame. She stood up from that bathroom floor I was laying on and said" I will take care of you now. I'm sensitive, impulsive, irresponsible and chaotic, but I will keep you going, until you remember who you are without me."

I was more than happy to take a back burner to my life. Sure, Fluffy came in and ate what she wanted, she acted like an impulsive clown, she made some horrible decisions, she made some great ones too, and I didn't care. I didn't want to engage in it anymore. Sure I saw the pounds keep rollin on. I saw my life spinning out of control and I let the destruction continue. I hated me, I hated my life and I certainly didn't want the reins of my complicated life anymore. As I became more Fluffy and less me, I started to forget who I was before Fluffy came into my life. She became me. No ambition, no dreams, no heartbeat, just someone that filled the void inside me.

Then this year, I woke from my grief-induced coma, and took my first breath. I looked around me, I looked at me; at Fluffy, and saw what she really is. Although she looks fluffy, and soft and weak, she is stronger than anyone I know. She faced my life, made tough decisions, ate to keep me alive, ate to fill the emptiness, she wore a fluffy suit that told the world" I am hurting...do something!!" The world doesn't see the fluffy suit as a protective armour from pain, or an actual burden carried for everyone to see. They see it as something to get rid of and hide and be ashamed of. Fluffy displayed that and was judged and condemned and yet she carried on.

She is the better part of me.  I am humbled to have met her, to stand in her shoes and feel her strength and pain. If I had never stepped into this fluffy suit, I would never have learned this lesson about my fluffy friends. That they are warriors, fighting in a society that condemns them, tries to cure them and mocks the attempts they make to survive. If I never met Fluffy, I wouldn't have been blessed with this new found respect for all those survivors out there. Nor would I decide to be an advocate for them, stand up and fight for my fluffy friends.

If it wasn't for Fluffy, I wouldn't be here.

Even though the layers of this fluffy suit are coming off, and I am stepping back into my life, I will never be the girl I was before I met Fluffy. I will never be as hard as I was before, Never will I see just a Fluffy person.  From now on, I see someone carrying hurt, abuse, and judgement and I will be humbled to witness such survival, endurance and resilience.

 I will keep the best of Fluffy with me.

Her unwavering desire to live.
Her achievement in survival.

And.
(sob)
Her unconditional love of me.

Her unconditional love of me.

The Gift.

Trying to lose weight before you have healed is a bad idea. You will get some weight off but as soon as you feel scared or lost you will go back to your old ways of "filling" yourself.

I have lost weight, there is no question. I am sure the weight I lost was the grief. I finally took some time to grieve my family and with that came off some weight. It came off my life burden. It felt great.

Then the weight loss stopped.

My body was telling me that I needed to rest, it said something big is about to happen and you will need a great amount of strength to manage it. I grew very fearful. Please don't let something terrible happen, please.

I rested, and ate (better choices) and I listened for the change that awaited me.

During this rest period, my soul sisters and I were communicating and finding out things about each other. We decided to ask each other some questions about who we really are vs what is perceived about us. I told one of my sisters I always thought she had this weird schedule that she LIVED by.

She laughed and said she wishes she was that organized and its cool that I would think that. HAHA.

I then said I was afraid to say some things around her because she was very religious. She smiled and said, why do you think I'm super religious? I told her it was because she always gave religious cards for occasions.

She again laughed and said she thought the messages were great and something to share.

I said "I don't read them. I act like I am, but I'm not."

"Why" she asked.

"I read most of those token quotes in my time in Catholic School, it got old."

"Those Catholic Schools sure ruined a lot of good stuff" She said.

"Yeah" I muttered.

The truth is I didn't like the topic of religion, not many of us do. It is the cause of more arguments and wars than any other topic.

As most of you know, I stopped talking to God because we had a deal, and I felt, he broke our relationship. I couldn't speak to him, I couldn't voice my pain so I chose utter silence.

Skip ahead a few weeks. My cousin was celebrating Confirmation. (Catholic for confirming your dedication to the Catholic Church)

I went because she is very important to me, and I remember my own Confirmation. It was a special day.

The Bishop was in attendance, I knew this was going to be a long day at the Church. I settled in to stare off into space. No way I'm listening. I am respectful in Church, I do the motions, I always sing, I try to "look" Catholic, but I never let it seep in. "Deals over God."

The Bishop came in, with the cane thingy and the big hat. I watched the procession and started obsessing about how hot it was in there. I could also smell burgers cooking for the BBQ to celebrate after the ceremony. MMMM burgers. I like Church today. :)

The usual praying and announcements and ...stuff started out. I stared into space, wondering how come the songs were in two languages. Huh?...ohhhh I see this church has a large diversity. Cool.

I was busy doing my usual sits, prayers, bows when it became time to listen to the Bishops Eulogy. I remember sighing and thinking " Here we go, boring none interesting crap."

Then he got my attention. He was talking about a parrot, that lost its voice because a woman accidentally vacuumed him up while cleaning his cage. We all laughed, but then he said the words that caught me, the bird stopped singing, and stopped talking because of the trauma.

I understood this bird.
I was listening.
"This better be good priest." I thought.

Then it was. He went on to explain that this life is full of terrible things that happen to you. That you will lose people, and lose hope..even faith, you will feel alone, in your terror and your fear and turn away from all of it. Yet, because you are here, because you are life, you are precious. You deserve better than this sorrow, pain and fear. You are a gift worth living for.

I teared up. I am a gift worth living for.

He went on to say that you are not alone. Never are. You just have to ask for help. Put it out there that you require guidance and love and support and it will come to you. Call it praying, the secret, the law of attraction whatever your belief system is,  but know that you are being heard. You are loved and protected by your own beautiful self and a whole entity that believes in your worthiness and greatness.

BUT. ( there is always a but)

You need to speak. Or believe. Or sing.

You need to put it into action,all that love, and fulfillment and worthiness is inside you, to share and spread, deliver and receive.
 
Do onto others, as you would have done onto you.

If you believe in anything, you need to believe that you are special and a true gift and precious...mostly precious.

I got that message. So I decided to pray, makes it easier for me to just be general so I closed my eyes and I sang.
" I need your grace. To remind me, of how to feel." Yes the song Chasing Cars. Its been playing in my head over and over and I knew I needed to say those words. So I did. I need grace. I need to feel and I need grace from the shame.



I had no idea when I would be answered, I didn't even care but putting it out there, my need, I felt like I let go of a huge burden.

I went home and weighed myself. Nope. It wasn't actually weight, just the feeling of weight.

ARGH. AND my body is still telling me to rest, because the best is yet to come.

Because, I spoke again and asked.

Because I believe I'm a gift and I am precious.